My Call to Serve

On the first Sunday night in May, at the last "official" Forge of the year, I told my 10th grade girls that I would not be their leader next year. It was a very bittersweet night for me as I have grown to love these girls and my co-leaders tremendously and will miss having them in my life on a regular basis.

It was not a decision I made lightly. In fact, it was a year-long decision making process. I had started a new job the May prior to coming to lead Forge and I had already been serving in the Special Needs ministry at that time as a shadow and assistant coach. I started traveling for my job quite a bit and had an evolving role in the special needs ministry, which lead to a lot going on in my life.

Being a Forge leader is so much more than just showing up on Sunday nights. Its being in constant prayer for the kids, connecting with them, spending time with them in one-on-one or small group settings outside of our regular meetings and being there whenever they need you. With being gone several Sundays for work travel and then a lot of the times I was there, I was so exhausted that I wasn't there mentally, it was hard to be the Forge leader I wanted to be and the girls needed me to be.

As a single-not married-no kids individual, I have built a mentality around/for myself that because I don't have those commitments, I should take up any call to serve. "What's my reason to say no? Nothing."  is a question I asked myself far too often.  It's hard for me to say no because I want to be able to do it all for others, but at the same time I do it at a cost to myself without even realizing it.

From the end of the earth I will cry to you. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I - Psalm 61:2

For the last year I prayed about what to do. I talked to my community group, the Forge women's leader, the special needs ministry leader and others trying to seek out knowledge and to let them know I was struggling. I was tired, stressed, and over-committed. It took awhile for me to realize that rest is just as essential as serving when it comes to my relationship with Christ.

During this entire time, I was wrestling with the thoughts of "Do I just need to step away from one ministry? Or, do I need to take a break completely from serving?"  I didn't want to step away completely from serving, but I knew I needed more rest in my life in order for me to continue to grow in Christ. Through many weeks of prayer and direct conversations, it became evident to me what I needed to do.  I've always had a passion for the Special Needs ministry (it is part of the reason I ended up at my church- read about it here) and through prayer and discussion, I was shown not only what my gifts are, but how well they are suited and used in that ministry.  With Forge, I wasn't able to fully commit and give the girls all they needed as a leader. I could be there on Sunday nights and speak truth to them, but they needed more than that from me. With those revelations, the decision to step away from Forge was how I felt called. And when I acknowledged that call, I felt the weigh being lifted off of me.

I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears - Psalm 34:4

This last year, while difficult, was a good year for me. I spent a lot of time in self-reflection and really seeking out the Lord. I learned its ok to have to step back, and that was something I wanted to make sure to impart on my girls as well that Sunday night when I told them goodbye. I also told them that I would still love them, be praying for them and checking in on them. (I think they're all a bit terrified that I will show up when one of them is out on a date and have some questions for their fellas).

Even though telling them goodbye was done with a heavy heart, I left that night with a lighter heart knowing I was seeking rest and still following God's call to serve.